Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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