Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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