I am puke
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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