I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
