I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
