so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
