What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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