I wish I only lived at night.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
