I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
