I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
