I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
