And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
