Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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