eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
