Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
