***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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