why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
