Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
