Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
