I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
