I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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