One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
