when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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