My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
