matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
