I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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