The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
