He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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