I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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