ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
