I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
