Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
