he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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