i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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