I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
