Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
