I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i love accidental penises.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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