I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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