Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
