Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
