woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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