Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
