woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
