First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
