Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
