Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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