We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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