i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
