I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
