But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
