new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
