By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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