so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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