so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
